my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
I put it into a sports analogy for him: there are three teams in the league- friends, fuck buddies, and dating, and the fuck buddies roster is full, pick an alternate team
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
dipping my christmas cookies in kaluha. santa would be proud.
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
First thing that comes on in the morning is kanye's I can't hold my liquor. yeezus lives.
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize