I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
I found out Naomi Campbell and I have the same birthday and I feel like that explains so much
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
I fell out of the car while it was moving then got puked on then puked and cried about then got back in the car and puked out the window when we started moving again
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
Randomize
