I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
this just has baby written all over it
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
Oh and I'm kind of in the library.
Waiting for the foreign guy who keeps staring to make his creepy move.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
