omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I draw, I play three woodwind instruments, I press buttons for eight hours at work and Im studying to be a gynecologist... I guarantee I can make you squirt, babe.
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
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