mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
Randomize
