My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
Shots. Renamed a guy (he looked like a Scott to me), running, bloody Marys, walk to Safeway, donuts, ride home from someones husband, Nurse Jackie. FIN.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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