your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
He's coming over, and I hope he doesn't get hungry. I'm sure its not proper protocol to bring one booty call to another booty call's house for the munchies.
But life is now good. Well, not good, good would be not wearing the penis hat with the extended family of the boy I just cheated on, but as good as it's going to get today
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Honestly, this is a first for me. I've always prided myself on my ability to pretend to get along with others.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
