A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why is the clock ticking so loud? Now I know how Captain Hook feels.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
Randomize
