Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
