i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
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