So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
Absolutely. Last time I signed up for a softball league I had sex with my high school economics teacher.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
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