when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I cant feel my face. Like I dont even know if I have one. I wish I had a helmet
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
Also mom is not happy about me telling her how much i want the women sprinters on the Olympics to beat me up
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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