Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
She said she is going to be sex-slave version of Princess Leia for halloween. You think there is any way I could pull off an attractive Jabba suit?
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
