Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
