My mom found a condom in my purse
Correction: my mom found a used condom in my purse.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
So yeah, turns out I enjoy vaguely public group sex. Who knew?
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
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