When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I swear to god he was trying to crawl under my door last night muttering "I'm Alex Mac! I'm Alex Mac!"
Little spoons don't ask big questions
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
