I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.
I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee
please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
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