Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
