There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
It's settled. One of us is going to bang her brother. The world demands justice and he's hot. We'll be the justice league if it were made of alcoholic whores
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I want your attention. I want your attention in the form of your penis inside my vagina.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
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