Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Do you feel like you missed out a little from not getting crabs in college?
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
No alcohol sales on Election Day. WTF? Today, of all days, I need to be splurged to to vote for any of these morons running for president.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
Randomize
