Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
also, i'm not sure if i'm proud to say this but our regional manager's hot fiance was grinding on me at the reception while he stood and watched.
i suppose that explains why he told me he plans on promoting you this Friday.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
