party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
We need to get Harry and Lloyd's tuxedos from Dumb and Dumber. I feel like this is a vital thing that is missing from our lives.
He's my favorite late night booty call. He lives next to a Wendy's.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
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