Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
I just wish he'd leave so I can vomit in peace.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Randomize
