Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
I told the girl who was peeing in the garbage can she must have had a lot of upper body strength.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
Randomize
