Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Superbowl and Mardi Gras a week apart. World's longest bender here I come.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
At some point he mentioned fried rice and take out... I don't think we know how sexting works
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
