Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
My sober self will be embarrassed tomorrow. For now I am laughing my ass off.
Easter bunny might get some gnarly munches and not even have enought candy left to hand out
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Randomize