I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I love watching others lives come down to our level.
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
You have GOT to stop kicking in his kitchen door. Just wait for him to open it next time.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
