Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
Did you high five my face last night?
Yes. Yes I did.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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