I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
I haven't even lived here for 24 hours yet, and I've already banged someone. My new hoe life is off to a great start.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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