so that girl updated her facebook status as "had the worst night ever last night"
um, i could be wrong but i think it might've had something to do with mark drunkenly screaming about her unibrow right in front of her
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.
Sorry. Im on my way.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
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