he laminated a picture of his dick.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
i want to be friends with one of those mini shredded wheat men.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
I've been on the toilet for an hour. On a six day bender. My ass feels like its leaking vodka
Operation: 12 Dick pics of Christmas was a sweeping success, thanks for asking!
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
The fact he has had a girlfriend for 5 years and they are trying to work it out isn’t going to stop me from sleeping with him. He said it himself you can’t cheat on someone you love...
Randomize
