I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
He literally said I should watch game of thrones while I was blowing him like is this the conversation you want to be having right now
The problem with having a roommate is that you are forced to answer the age old question "Are you okay?"
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Randomize
