I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
how do flat chested girls get laid?
Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.
they would be such cute babies and they would grow up to have huge dicks. and that would make me proud as a mother
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
Randomize
