my number is 615-555-1212, <3 your favorite asshole
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
did you just take a shot to penises and friendship?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
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