I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
So he thought it would be a nice gesture to show me his list of girls he fucked. There was 70. We then went through and put "V"'s next to all the ones that were virgins...
a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
So at what point while he was throwing up on the girl next to him did you think "yeah, im going to hit that"
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Kellie accidentally ran into the car with two teenagers making out. made a big thud. there was a loud scream and she was gone...haven't seen her since
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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