How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
he then started listing things that have been up his butt, never drinking in boys town again
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
just had Stella and stale goldfish for breakfast under the watchful eyes of an inflatable cactus and 5 llama pinatas. Cinco de mayo success!
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
He put rainforest music on before we had sex I felt like I was in the Amazon
Randomize