every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
i need a wealthy benefactor or a cocktail job. or to start stripping. or kill myself. whatever.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....
Lesbians are weird.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
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