sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
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