I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
As long as it's more "this is where i see an issue" vs "psst.... tiddies" then i have no argument
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