Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
you poured 3 beers into an empty vase and then passed out, so i drank them for you. don't say i'm not a good friend.
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
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