I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i should probably stop thinking with my vagina, and start using that $70, 000 education i can't afford. what the fuck.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
Randomize
