i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
it was like fucking with batman, he had gadgets i never even imagined
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He's hot, you can get laid, and you may get free drugs. It's the trifecta of banging a drug dealer
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
ALL I WANT IN MY MOUTH IS A GLORIOUS COCK SMOTHERED IN CHOCOLATE. DICK AND CHOCOLATE; IS IT TOO MUCH FOR A GIRL TO ASK FOR?!
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
