Your an asshole
Actually, it's "you're an asshole"
My point exactly
capris are just wrong
its like "what can i possible wear to make myself look short and fat? Oh I know!!"
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
She answered the door wearing a basket, said it was the only clean thing she had.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Of course I fucked her, her man stole my bike when we were kids
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
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