my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
Bad news: I had to be at work at 7:15. Good news: no one had used the bathroom yet so I got to defile a freshly cleaned stall
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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