Whore.
I was being facetious
Don't try to hide behind big words.
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?
he kept whispering yes yes yes yes the entire 15 minutes. i almost wish it was a quickie.
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I rigged together two of my vibrators for more power... I've created a monster.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I woke up in the bathroom clutching a stuffed shark. My night was fantastic, thanks for asking.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
