Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
I drank toilet water last night, I can't answer you because my phone is in rice.
We HAVE another bedroom, it's not like I was gunna chain you into the closet. Often.
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Randomize
