i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
Randomize
