Ive had to apologize to every girl i know today because of you
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
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