you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
can anyone on this campus do anything sober?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
be the chaos you wish to see in the world...
i'm trying to figure out how to respond to that in text
Randomize
