I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
All I remember is him trying to go down on me, but I guess I was too busy making out with his brother
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Does puke ruin car paint? Good thing it's raining.
I'm kind of upset that he wanted to have sex instead of watch Harry Potter. I mean it's Harry fucking potter.
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Randomize
