Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
idk if you're aware of this...but we could potentially have the greatest hate sex...ever.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Hahaha alright after 5 shots I'm not allowed to touch glass or boys with girlfriends.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Pillow talk was a high five, this morning she made dinosaur muffins for the house. I love chapel hill
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