the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
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