I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I have taken lazynest to a new level. I took a picture of the notes on the board instead of writing them. I win.
oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
I really gotta be careful. My email inbox is equal parts notifications from instructors and this dude's dick. If I get drunk and reply to the wrong thing I might get kicked out of grad school.
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
Hey could you buy me 2 bottles of arbor mist? I'm trying to get laid tonight
porn backed up onto portable hard disk, laptop charged, battery backup in place, two cases beer, handle of vodka, poptarts and beef jerky --- bring it sandy.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
I just walked away from a youth soccer tournament popping every birth control pill I had left in the pack.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Randomize
