Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
He thought my hair would soak it up. I HAD TO CUT IT OFF.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
We're going to get naked and build a fort instead. HAPPY NEW YEAR!
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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