Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
