If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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