god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Listen all we did was not even pretend we aren’t each other’s type and live together and constantly encourage each other to get laid for 6 months.
Idk how it devolved into us fucking.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
Dude we were sitting at my place stoned as fuk then someone knocks on the door and it was my neighbor giving me a huge box of cookie dough. Magic of weed.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
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