just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
First night of sleeping in the same bed, and she farted on me. I immediately excused myself and went home. Don't know if we're still together. Will update you.
I can't trust your balls anymore.
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
