So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
My dick has a subreddit
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
I yelled at the cab driver to slow down because my unborn children live here, and pointed to my uterus. I think my message was lost in translation though because he immediately offered me his card...
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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