if there werent so many compromising pictures of me in the hands of so many liberal friends, id consider going into politics
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
Last night I dreamed I was having gay sex in prison. That's the last time we go to theme night at the club.
I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I'm gonna cum garlic butter
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
She’s 47 and wants me to fuck her on her mom’s hospital bed
Randomize
