i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
who put toothpaste on EVERY doorknob in my house?!
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize