i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Neither a grow-er nor a show-er. More like a no-er. If he didn't have testicles, I'm not sure you could tell he was a male, even standing there naked. There will be no second date.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
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