I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
he just sent me a friend request on facebook. i wish it were physically possible to vomit on him through the internet.
The new Black Eyed Peas song is the stupidest shit I've heard since the last Black Eyed Peas song.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
The camera shows a viking with a white mask, a creepy green guy, a gorilla, and a pumpkin throwing eggs and laundry detergent in his yard
OHHH and there was a Batman too.
They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
I left him on his mom's lawn after he passed out in my lap and told me my vagina smells like flowers. Couple of the year award
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Randomize
