I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
Bad idea to be in a car concussed. I just described his dick as an elevator. I think i meant escalator, i dont know
Pretty sure I just became my mom's wingman
That super awesome moment when the guy who threw up in your bed last night crawls into your roommate's bed the next morning...Naked...She was in it.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
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