dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I have no idea why my husband is mad that I came home at 4 am & all I want to do is eat spaghettios. It's not fucking spaghettios fault.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
I asked you why you bought a sword and you then replied with the greek alphabet and then tried to assure me that samurais are apart of greek life.
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