You say "arrested with two drunk girls" like it's a bad thing....
I intend to get homeless drunk
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I am almost positive I asked to milk her when I was saying my goodbyes.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
You just said the word 'slut' out loud in your sleep and then made a moaning noise
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
Need to find a Santa hat to fit my penis, he deserves to be festive too.
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
I will feel awake by 6 pm
Are we not meeting until 6?
No I'm just saying thats usually when my body knows it's time to party
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
