nailed a girl as she was wearing a darth vader shirt. Cross that one off my list.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I chugged that bitch with a dip in.
You somehow managed to be a man whilst drinking a Mike's Hard. I commend you.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
My eczema on my back is flaring up so he rubbed coconut oil on it while we were boning down. If that's not a picture of 8 years married I dunno what is.
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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