We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
